Fast Fiction

Today’s smell is brought to you by the commissary and my nose.

Today’s smell is enchiladas.

Today’s smell is lemon chicken and asparagus.

You ever wanna know what I look like? (Oh, readers three who have never met me in person.) There’s an interview up on NaNoWriMo.org with a teensy little photo down in the lower left. It’ll only be there today. You snooze, you lose.

For all those who haven’t heard yet, November is National Novel Writing Month.

Pencils ready!

Yesterday there was a weird dispute. Well, I suppose it continues today. LAist, a group blog with topics about Los Angeles posted that it has more visits to their site than blogging.la.

Okay.

They declared themselves the most popular blog in LA.

Here are a few questions I had:

Does it include people who read by feed? While reading by feed does not get included in hits, I suppose feed hits should be used for determining ad prices either. But some people do both. I do both. I visit the site regularly but I also use an aggregator called Bloglines. Sometimes I’ll read from there, sometimes I’ll browse to the site because I’m at a computer that doesn’t have my bloglines info stored in it.

LAist does not show where the hits come from. Are LAist visitors in LA or somewhere else? For that matter, who reads b.la? I haven’t a clue. In fact, I’m not sure I care.

As for LAist, I consider it like Star. It’s a rag. It’s oppressively negative and meanspirited, focused on things like cult of celebrity and dissing public transportation. They steal photos. It doesn’t reflect the life that I lead as an Angelino. B.la does, but maybe that’s because my friends also write for it. As far as I know LAist pays its writers. B.la does not.

Could b.la be improved? Sure, we could post more often. A photo blog would be cool. Does it need a more consistent editorial voice, so much so that you’d not know who posted without looking at the attribution? Hell, no. There is no way I’d ever write for a blog where I had to use the “editorial we.”

Territorialism has always bothered me. Who cares if there’s someone on top or not. It’s the web. It’s the place for specialization. They’re group blogs about one of the largest metropolitan areas in the world ... if LAist really wants to be on top they’d blog in Spanish. That’s how you win in LA radio.

The building I work in also houses the commissary. Or maybe we just share a wall. We definitely share the same air.

When I get to work in the morning, it usually smells like the lunch special.

The smell of the day for October 12th, 2004 is herb roasted chicken.

I was reading an article on CNN a little while ago and I had to look twice at the headline.

Panhandle Children Return to School.

Of course it’s kids returning to school in the Florida panhandle.

What caught my eye is that panhandle also means begging. But why? Did beggars used to use pans? I’ve seen those documentaries about Indian monks that travel around with a little bowl that folks will fill for them while they’re on pilgrimage. Did beggars once go around asking for stuff to fill their frying pans? It’s just an odd confluence that an obscure little, ubiquitous thing like a panhandle would end up meaning a peninsula made by borders as well as begging.

Today Will & Susan came by (yes, by, I met them down the street so they didn’t have to hike up the hill) and we took a walk around the lake.

Four miles.

At a three mile an hour pace. Probably good for me, I don’t think I should get going four or five miles an hour just yet. But hey, when the walk takes 25% longer, you probably burn more calories. It doesn’t hurt that I’m out of shape either. I figure in shape people are more efficient.

So the goal is to do eight miles a week (in whatever combinations) until December where I’ll step it up to 20 and then I’ll figure out what to do next year to prep for the Marathon.

LA Blogs’ topic for this week, in memory of the passing of Rodney Dangerfield, is Rodney Memorial Edition (comedy is hard).

1. OK funny girl, what’s your favorite joke?

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines.

I read that joke in Bloom County when I was 17 years old and just got off a horrific 22 hour cross country plane trip (that’s another blog entry someday) and was jetlagged and sat up all night reading it. I thought it was hysterical. It’s probably not, but I remember my fits of laughter fondly and this joke is a way to connect with a time in my life when I would feel free to laugh out loud when I’m all alone. Okay, I do that now, but there was an intervening time when I wouldn’t have.

2. Where do you go for comedy in LA?

I don’t think I’ve ever gone anywhere for comedy. I’ve found some things funny, like the lounge singer on Thursday nights at The Red Lion.

3. Have you been to an open mike night? If so, where?

Nope. Well, there was one at our Unitarian Youth Weekends when I was a teen, but I don’t think that counts.

4. Was it good, bad or tolerable?

Um, we were Unitarians.

5. Who is the funniest comedian you have seen in town?

Well, since the Unitarian things were in Baltimore or Philadelphia, I guess they don’t count.

6. Who is the unfunniest?

See above.

7. Beyond the places that you have been to see comedy, are there any places that your friends have recommended?

I’m not one for going and seeing comedians in the flesh. I don’t know why, but it just doesn’t interest me. I really enjoyed Second City though, when I was in Chicago once. So I’d probably say that something like Groundlings would fit me.

8. OK, so you’re not that funny, what’s your worst joke?

It’s really long. It’s called the Green Ping Pong Ball Joke. I didn’t feel like retyping it here (I could have copied and pasted it, but I tell it a little differently).

I don’t know if you ever visit my buzznet site, but I’ve been kinda obsessed with a couple of orb weaver spiders I’ve got living on the balcony and in the back yard. This green lynx spider has been living in our front yard for a while. Turns out there’s probably another one out there somewhere, since she’s raising a family.

Green Lynx Spider

The green lynx spider in my front yard and her little brood of spiderlettes.

more here

I was watching CSI: Miami (my least favorite show I watch ... I know, that’s a weird sentence, but if you’re married, I think you know what I mean) last week and there was Horatio Caine (my least favorite character) examining an autopsy report.

And there he was, saying, “cause of death, GSW to the chest.”

Now, say the letters aloud. “Gee, ess, double-you.” Four syllables. Then say the words. “Gun shot wound.” Three syllables. Hell, they’re even short words to spell.

I’m not saying that CSI: Miami isn’t accurate, it’s just a pet peeve of mine. Why have abbreviations if they’re longer?

I posted a kvetch a few months ago about Jayson Blair. You don’t have to go back and read the entry. It was just me complaining about my lousy sales for my play which was published earlier this year.

I’m happy to report that sales are picking up since the new catalogue came out about five weeks ago.

I am disappointed that not one of my theatre friends actually bought my play (hell, I mentioned them in the dedication and acknowledgements), but I’m still oddly more flattered by the fact that perfect strangers are buying it!

I’m hoping sales will also pick up when the two anthologies that I’m in come out (hopefully this year)!

I just checked in with the typing monkeys again today. (I’ve been rather lax about letting them muck about on my computer lately, but I should start doing that more now.)

Last time I posted they had 16 letters.

They’re now actually up to strings of words! At the moment the record is 20 letters from Coriolanus

After 462,060,000,000 billion billion monkey-years. (Sent in by Jens Ulrik Jacobsen from Denmark on 31 Aug 2004.)

“1. Citizen. Before wZgJ8GPxwFnwvG&iX4tKfo(“2ny!3Pp…”
matched
“1. Citizen. Before we proceed any further, heare me speake   All. Speake, speake   1.Cit. You are all resolu’d rather to dy then to famish?  All. Resolu’d, resolu’d..

For some reason I decided to start doing some volunteer work. No, not the stuff for NaNoWriMo (but I’m still going to be municipal liaison for that).

I’ve applied to become a naturalist for the Cabrillo Marine Aquarium leading whale watching tours for students from December to March.

I’ve always loved going whalewatching and I have an uncanny skill at being able to see spouts no matter what the weather. (The last two times I went to the Channel Islands, I was the first to spot the whales on our boats.) It’d be cool to go out and share that enthusiasm I have for whales and marine life with other people. (Oh, and I’m sure I’d get free trips too!)

This definitely means I should get that telephoto lens for my camera!

I finally have my camera back and have started taking photos. (Okay, for a while I was taking photos, but just ones of my scar, not stuff that is interesting to the general public.)

If you click on it, you get to see the little bugger in even bigger glory.

Yes, it’s a very, very long article. But if you plan to live on this planet, you must read this.

How the White House Embraced Disputed Arms Intelligence
By DAVID BARSTOW, WILLIAM J. BROAD and JEFF GERTH

Need a login/password?

Basically the article goes through much of the case against Iraq and the evidence of their weapons of mass destruction point by point. My favorite part is how the basis of the US’s case against Iraq was the fact that they were trying to get these little aluminum tubes (probably for conventional missiles) but some posited that they could be used for uranium purifcation through centrifuges. The consultants working on the hypothesis that Iraq concluded:

The Energy Department team concluded it was “unlikely that anyone” could build a centrifuge site capable of producing significant amounts of enriched uranium “based on these tubes.” One analyst summed it up this way: the tubes were so poorly suited for centrifuges, he told Senate investigators, that if Iraq truly wanted to use them this way, “we should just give them the tubes.”

I have signed up for another year of NaNoWriMo.

Actually, I think that the default is that I’m signed up, since I was a user of the forums last year. (I’m not quite sure how that works.)

I haven’t decided which participant icon to use for the year.

Is it just my imagination, or have the icons been getting smaller every year? This is the winners icon from 2002:

Yes! This is one of those perks of driving a hybrid car that I plan to take advantage of!

Starting today, drivers of hybrid cars do not have to plug the meters in the City of Los Angeles.

The pilot program will last six months and will then be re-evaluated.

Link via LAist.

LA Blogs’ topic this week is about live music. Not really something I am well versed in (hee!), but I figure they way that I’m not able to answer these questions tells you as much about me it would if I had opinions.

We Will Rock You

1. What’s the best venue in Los Angeles for live music, and why?

I’ve only seen two live music events in Los Angeles, the most recent was at the Hollywood Bowl back in July. I’m not sure I can properly evaluate the LA music scene based on such sketchy experience.

2. What’s the worst?

I have to say, the Hollywood Bowl did not impress me. Well, actually, the venue itself is great, I didn’t care much for the patrons. It was KCRW’s electronica world music show and for some reason folks seemed to think that if there were no lyrics, it wasn’t the music that we paid to hear, and plenty of people were talking. Loudly. Or on the phone.

3. Where do you go most often to catch a gig, and how often?

I don’t.

4. What L.A. band, DJ or performer would you walk over burning hot coals to hear?

I wouldn’t. I would like to see Gomez someday. I hope they come to the Bowl.

5. What’s that playing on your MP3 player/car stereo, home audio system or tinny computer speakers right now?

In the car I have Alan Parsons Project’s Ammonia Avenue. On the playlist on the computer at this very moment I’ve got a mix, which is mostly Gomez.

6. Who’s the most overrated musical act in Los Angeles?

I haven’t a clue.

7. Who’s the most brilliant?

Again, not a clue on this one.

8. Who are the three greatest Los Angeles bands/DJs/musicians of the past 50 years - and why?

I really don’t keep track of where a band is from. For all I know, I listen to lots of local music. Or maybe I don’t even listen to anything from the States.

Eight was enough on that front. I suppose if I’m going to complain about the questions, I should come up with some of my own.

Here’s a few more that I’ve been enjoying.

First, someone has utilized craigslist to enact some sort of vendetta - by posting for a free computer and putting up someone’s phone number!

Free parking spot near the 405 and the 10.

Also, regarding my earlier post, if you have any hermit crabs (with natural or engineered shells), this fellow is looking for them.

Here’s a fat guy who wants pictures taken of him.

Never forget, craigslist can be your blog. Blog. Blog.

Starting tomorrow, October first, signups begin for National Novel Writing Month.

November is National Novel Writing Month, where nutjobs try to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.

Won’t you join us?

I know you’ve probably already seen this, but after watching the interview of Bill O’Reilly on 60 Minutes last night, I’m so glad I saw this today.

Comedy Central Refutes O’Reilly’s Claim
‘Daily Show’ Audience More Educated Than ‘O’Reilly Factor’ Audience, Despite O’Reilly’s Claim

Jon Stewart was a guest on O’Reilly’s show earlier this month and O’Reilly referred to The Daily Show’s viewers as “stoned slackers.” Apparently this offended Doug Herzog.

The important facts:

Viewers of Jon Stewart’s show are more likely to have completed four years of college than people who watch “The O’Reilly Factor,” according to Nielsen Media Research.

Comedy Central also touted a recent study by the University of Pennsylvania’s National Annenberg Election Survey, which said young viewers of “The Daily Show” were more likely to answer questions about politics correctly than those who don’t.

Comedy Central had no statistics on how many people watch “The Daily Show” stoned.

Perhaps part of the problem is that we don’t understand O’Reilly’s definition of slacker.

Swimming in syrup is as easy as swimming in water. The rigorous study of the issue was published in American Institute of Chemical Engineers Journal. They first had their volunteers swim timed laps in a swimming pool full of water and then added 300 kg of guar gum (a thickener) to the pool and then had the swimmers repeat their laps.

I have no idea what to do with this info.

I’m still looking for an answer to my other nagging question, what happens if you put a fish in carbonated water?

You know how much I love cemeteries. And photography.

Oh, and let’s not leave out nudity.

And here they are, all rolled up into one pretty picture.

Yes, here’s a group doing a fundraiser by shooting photos of prominent citizens in the local cemetery to raise money and awareness for the respectful upkeep of the graveyard. The idea, taken from the feature “Calendar Girls” instead uses the cemetery as its backdrop. Oh, and all the people in the photos aren’t actually nude, just appear to be.

Looks like a nice cemetery. (Link found via ObscureStore.)

This week’s topic on LABlogs is about getting out of the city.

So here it is, Leaving LA

1. When you can only get out of LA for a weekend, where do you like to go?

I like Morro Bay. I like the view, I like the slower pace, I like the good food (the Man and I have been there enough that we actually have favorite restaurants).

2. Where do you stay when you go there? (lodging and/or region)

The Inn at Morro Bay. It’s freakin’ expensive, but for a weekend getaway, it’s a real treat. We get one of the deluxe rooms on the second floor in the building that is right on the bay. There’s a hot tub on the balcony and the view just kicks ass.

3. Where do you go on vacation to get as far out of the LA lifestyle?

I like going up to Morro Bay, though we’ve never been there for more than three days. Earlier this summer we went to Monterey (actually the town of Marina and stayed right on the beach at the Marina Dunes). I like beach vacations. I would love to go back up to northern California and spend some time up at the mouth of the Klamath river or hiking in the redwoods.

4. For longer vacations, 1-2 weeks, where have you been that you would go back to?

I’d definitely like to go up to the Pacific northwest. The Man and I went to a wedding up in the Cascades years ago and would like to go back there. Better yet, Seattle and Vancouver.

5. Where do you dream of going, but haven’t been?

I’d love to cruise the Inside Passage on one of those little ships (not a cruise ship). One of those boats where you can get really close to the glaciers and where it’s quiet enough to hear the whales spout.

6. Where have you been on vacation where you thought “I could settle here”?

The Man and I definitely feel that way about Morro Bay. I’d love to have a place out by the entrance to the Montana de Oro State Park. It’s high up on the hillside and overlooks Morro Bay and you can wind your way down to the strand beach there that goes on for miles. That’d be a great retirement place.

7. What place in Los Angeles makes you feel like you’re already on vacation?

I like going up to Pt. Dume and just watching the water. A little picnic lunch, my camera and binoculars and I’d go home feeling pretty refreshed.

8. Where in Los Angeles would you warn tourists to stay away from, even though a lot of them end up there?

I think Hollywood Blvd. is kind of silly, but I’ve never had anyone who comes to visit tell me they were disappointed with it, so who am I to argue with them. Will brought up a good one, Universal City Walk. I haven’t been there since they made the decision to not show Poetic Justice years ago because it “attracted the wrong demographic”. Not only that, it’s not terribly convenient, the parking sucks and it felt very confined. Gimme Hollywood and the Arclight any day.

Humans have been tinkering with nature for a long time. Farming and ranching have changed the planet.

But shouldn’t we just leave well enough alone? Should we really try to improve upon creatures in the wild? I know that where humans have interfered with wild animals we try to bring balance back to the situation. They give deer birth control shots instead of culling the heards. They move animals away from inhabited areas to more remote ones.

This one really got me though. An artist/designer has figured out how to fabricate better shells for hermit crabs.

Yes, hermit crabs. Those little crabs that take cast off shells in the ocean and on the beach and recycle them for their own protection. Apparently there is a scarcity of reusable shells on the beaches these days (yes, someone did a study). These fake shells are lighter and better fitting than those natural ones.

Here’s my problem. It’s one thing to try to help out a species with things like birdhouses, but another to give them an advantage. What of the poor hermit crab who prefers a real shell, is he to suffer because suddenly the fake shell crew has an advantage. And what of the offspring of these fake shells, what if they can’t find a fake shell, what if they’re no longer able to tote around those heavy real shells that they evolved for? What if we make them so dependent on us that they’re no longer able to fend for themselves?

The Following Routine Will Become Effective Forthwith

1. Swimming Pool attendants will telephone and ask the Officer of the Watch for permission to fill the swimming pool

2. The Officer of the Watch will inform the Engineer of the Watch that permission has, or has not, been granted to fill the swimming pools

3. Swimming Pool attendants will contact the Engineer of the Watch that they are standing-by their pool

Only when the Engineer of the Watch has received two reports (2 and 3) will he commence filling the swimming pool

Swimming Pool attendants are not to ask the Officer of the Watch for permission to fill the pool until they have sighted their pool

(from the Queen Mary)

You know, I think half the problems in the world are from an imbalance, an excess here and a need way over there. Maybe craigslist goes a little way to helping put those things together.

I like to hang out in the free section of the Los Angeles subsite.

Here are some of my favorites:

Don’t you want a little pat on the back every once in a while? Maybe a high five? (There are photos, too!)

Do you need a HIGH FIVE?

Date: 2004-09-19, 3:45PM PDT

FREE HIGH FIVE’S FOR FREE

Whatís Going ON?

What we have here are freeÖ Thatís right free HIGH FIVES! NO COST TO YOU!

I’m sorry you missed out on this one:

1/2 gallon of milk - must drink by the end of the day

Date: 2004-09-17, 4:02PM PDT

It expires today and I’d hate to waist it.

I wonder if anyone claimed it. Maybe it’ll go with this:

FREE Chili

Date: 2004-09-14, 11:44AM PDT

This chili will knock your socks off…I have 5 cans left! Going…going…gone? I’ll even throw in a bag of cheerios if you respond in time.

After you’ve eaten your fill, you might want to spruce up your look:

Free Graduated Bob Haircut Today 6:00PM at High End Salon

Date: 2004-09-08, 4:19PM PDT

Need a female hair model who wants a graduated bob haircut like the one pictured for hair demonstration tonight at 6PM. Please respond with contact info only if you make it today and want the haircut. You will be getting a great cut at a very upscale high end salon. Thanks and hope to hear from you shortly.

Not everything is free, of course. I like the General postings too.

I’m not sure, but this person might be confusing a philanthropist with a sugar daddy:

philanthropist wanted

Date: 2004-09-16, 10:36AM PDT

Extremely beautiful and talented artist with a business plan iso a sponsor.
Write for more info.

LA Blogs posted this weeks LA Insight: Baby You Can Drive my Car.

(beep, beep.)

1. How many hours a week are you stuck in your car?

Hmm, first of all, I never feel stuck in my car. I love my car. I love being in my car. But to answer the question, at the moment, I’m spending about 3 hours a week in my car. But hey, I’m on medical leave. Once I go back to work, I expect to be back to the usual 4 or 5.

2. What music is in your car, right now?

I’ve got the new Gomez - Split the Difference in the CD player. I’ve been listening to it for several weeks.

3. What do you do while stuck in traffic? Eat? Sing? Primal scream?

I never feel stuck, because of the overwhelming smugness that comes with driving a Prius. However, when I drive I sing. Sometimes to the stereo, sometimes I turn it off and just sing for myself.

4. If you could give citations to other drivers for bad behavior, who/ what
would you ticket?

I don’t care for changing lanes without signaling. I don’t like it when people tailgate. I can’t stand people who slot or people who will come to a stoplight and sit in the far right lane (the turn lane) and then shoot out when the light turns green just so they can pass everyone else at the light. I would also ticket for bad parking. I mean, parking lots have lines, how hard is it to get your damn car inside the lines?

5. What’s your favorite place/freeway to drive in LA?

I don’t think I have a favorite place. I don’t really see driving as pleasurable. I like to get where I’m going but I try not to resent the journey.

I enjoy the big boulevards like Santa Monica and Sunset and Hollywood because when you’re in stop and go traffic there’s lots to look at.

As for freeways, I love driving the 126 from the 5 through Fillmore to Santa Paula.

6. What’s your least favorite?

I don’t care for the four level downtown. I think the 5 is more potholes than road.

7. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen another driver do?

Hmm, there have been so many, I’m not sure I can classify one as crazier than another.

8. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen left on the side of the road?

When I first arrived in LA I was a bit mystified by all the furniture I would see on the freeways. Especially mattresses. Now, I don’t think any of it is crazy.

Just in case you’re not paying attention, September 19th is Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Unfortunately, this year Talk Like a Pirate Day falls on a Sunday. I know you all like talking like a pirate at work! Of course for those church-going types that could make for an interesting sermon.

I have come up with a title for my fourth novel. I know they can’t be copyrighted or anything, so let me officially just call dibs on it.

My new novel I will write in November will be called An Alphabetical Order.

This is the first time I have come up with a title before an actual idea for a novel, or an entire novel first.

We’ll see if this works any better than the previous ventures.